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Workplace Humor

The Product – Workplace Humor

“Eureka!” I yelled, staring in fascination at the frothing, seething white foam in the large beaker. “This is it. This is the product that will make me millions!”

All of my research had finally paid off; all of my research into how best to use my skills as an unemployed chemist. I had invented a chemical product with all the requirements I was looking for:

  • Readily available raw materials? Check
  • Inexpensive to produce? Check
  • Filling a niche need? Check
  • Marketable? Check.

And I didn’t even have to buy an RV and drive off into the desert to make my product. For one thing, that purchase would have left a paper trail. And more importantly, there were scorpions and snakes in the desert, and if your vehicle broke down, you could die of thirst! Certainly not worth the risk.

With a contented sigh, I sat back and thought about how I had broken the shackles of the corporate world to go boldly into the exalted realms of the self-employed. I was now in the position to market my skills directly to the public and statistics showed that the public was hungry for my product. Desperate for it. I would no longer be working for the Man. Not ever again.

For one thing, working for the Man was a tiring ordeal. Given the dire state of the economy, getting hired required a great deal of expensive education and networking and experience and sales and marketing.

  • What makes you the ideal candidate for this job?
  • What makes you better than the other applicants?
  • When have you shown creativity?
  • When have you handled conflict?

Ironically, you, as the applicant, may ask a few questions about the position and the organization, but you need them more than they need you. You’re not really interviewing them, in turn, are you?

You would never ask any of the following:

  • And what makes you qualified to hire me as an employee?
  • I see here in your corporate profile that there were periods of financial loss. Would you mind explaining that?
  • I need to obtain references from three of your previous employees before I can accept any offer of employment.

So the Man knows what he’s getting, but do you know what you’re getting?

In my case, it turned out to be great pay, great benefits, poor management, poor organization, poor direction, poor training, high employee turn-over.

Wonderful.

And since I’m not the type to sit and be quiet, the corporate status quo eventually led to the following dialogue with the Man:

“Do you want a career here?”

“No,” I responded.

That seemed to throw him for a loop. But he recovered quickly.

“Do you want a good reference?” he asked. “Because that’s the only recourse I have left other than disciplinary action and dismissal.”

“I’ll save you the trouble,” I said, and in a fierce whisper stated, “I! Quit!” I didn’t add what he could do with his reference, but it involved shoving it up an orifice.

And so, I braved that route of self-employment, like so many other courageous souls before me. I raised myself up from the bottomless abyss of the zombied employee to the gloried heights of the self-employed. I was using my education and my experience for my direct personal betterment.

I sourced my ingredients from the appropriate channels and cooked up my batch; my precious.

I watched it bubble

I watched it froth

I watched it thicken

I watched it cool

And then I felt a dollop in my hands. I felt a dollop of my leave-in shampoo. And not just any leave-in; not the common powder or the spray formula; not the typical oil-absorbers. Oh no. This was a cream; a moisturizing, cleansing cream.

I was set!

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